This Week's Edition of DeVinny's Guarantees

This is going to be a common post every week, and usually will be posted on Sundays. I was way too pissed off last night from the Cowboys game to write anything, so forgive my procrastination. Anyway off to this weeks guarantees:

1. I guarantee that Terrell Owens bitch ass fake crying act after the game last night will be ridiculed for many months to come, and that Tony Romo will probably be on a flight tomorrow back to Cancun to get some more of that sweet Jessica Simpson ass. (Part of me doesn't blaim him...)

2. I guarantee that Wade Phillips will retain his job as the head coach of the Dallas Cowboys, and he will continue onto next year looking like the biggest bozo every time the camera pans in his direction. I mean I hate to be condescending here, but the guys looks like a drugged up teddy bear every time I see him.

3. I guarantee that the Superbowl match-up will be between the Packers and the Patriots. The final score of the superbowl will be 38 - 17 New England, thats right count it. I also guarantee that Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers will be the best halftime in the history of mankind.

4. I guarantee that I am going to end up watching yet another episode of American Gladiators in an attempt to convince myself that it is as elite as the original, but will end up being disappointed because NBC has turned it into a reality show of sorts. And on a side note, as much as I love Hulk Hogan (He is a real American), I think this show would be leaps and bounds better with Ric "The Nature Boy" Flair as the host of the show. Who in their right minds wouldn't like to be watching and hear, "WHOOOOOOOOOOO, the wolf man demolishes his prey!!!" I know that I would.

5. I guarantee that I will hear another lost 80s rock song on the radio at work and come home and download it immediately off of itunes. Is it sad that I downloaded the song "Black Velvet" by Alannah Myles the other day...?

6. I guarantee that for the next 3 to 4 weeks that 50 percent of every Sportscenter will be dedicated to how the Patriots are the greatest team of all time, and how they could probably beat of team of God at QB handing the ball off to Hurricane Katrina. The remaining percent will fall in this order: 25 % to the Celtics, 20 % to USC, and then the remaining 5 % will be dedicated to those who don't live in Boston or Southern California. Give me an F-ing brake.

7. I guarantee that I will watch at least 10 to 15 Seinfeld's this week because it has slowly become one of my favorite shows ever. I also guarantee that I will soon be posting a Seinfeld episode of the week, and giving my thoughts on why I chose it. "You're killing independent George"

8. I guarantee that I will continue to pop vicoden each day at work until I run out. The reasoning behind this is because it basically sends me into a diluted state of being and makes me think that I am sitting on one of those circular chairs at roadside diners that spin around and around. Oh, and it also makes me not realize that I'm actually at work, but rather the diner I speak of.

That's really all I've got for this week's edition of DeVinny's guarantees. Stay tuned for next weeks edition that will probably guarantee more stuff about how much I hate ESPN.